A letter to and about Rachael

Dear Rachael,

I'm not going to lie, this letter is taking me forever to write. I've sat down so many times to write it but I can't phrase anything the way I want to. Today I asked Mares what I should write and she said, "Um how about Happy Birthday Rachael??" Like I was an idiot who didn't know how to write a birthday card. And while this is the 9th birthday that I've had the privilege of celebrating with you, for some reason writing the cards haven't gotten any easier. How and I supposed to sum up a whole year of adventures and laughing and stuff that's happened in just a few paragraphs? Who knows. So buckle up. This is going to be a bumpy ride.

To give me somewhere to start I went through everything and found all the pictures of the two of us. There were more than I expected that's for sure... Which makes me so glad that you remember to take pictures of us doing things and being together because how else would I remember the day we put pretzels in our mouths like walruses and my hair was struggling a little?

Thank you for being the friend that my emotional and angsty elementary school self needed (let's not forget 11 year old Grace who sobbed for longer than I'd like to admit after seeing that we weren't in the same 6th grade class. Even though we were literally right across the hall every single day??)

Last year in the chaos and confusion of moving 4 times, you were so good and helpful about it all. And I distinctly remember my mom telling me only to invite friends to help that would actually help and then saying "Like Rachael. She's always helpful." And you were! I came back from taking a load to my grandmas and you were at my house vacuuming the basement. Just doing it because it had to be done. And the whole week leading up to moving you celebrated my birthday which meant so much to me. With everything going on, packing for hours every day (or not in my case) I felt like my birthday was getting overlooked. I know it's stupid and probably untrue, but it felt like such a big deal at the time. But then every day at school you gave me a different little present and a note and it reminded me that even though that birthday would be different it wouldn't be bad. The day we moved in you brought my mom a homemade smoothie to cheer her up and it totally worked. And when all of my friends were in my room trying their hardest to be helpful but mostly focusing on climbing up the tree into my window, you were actually doing stuff and being productive. You even remembered my thing about public bathrooms and how gross toilets are and YOU GAVE ME A TOILET SEAT. I can't think of one other person who would do that for me. It was the perfect present. 

I feel like sometimes I get a glimpse of what it's going to be like to have a kid when I watch you do awesome stuff. It just makes me so aggressively proud I don't really know how to explain it or what to do with all my emotions. (Maybe I'm not so different from elementary school Grace after all...) Like the time you crushed your solo in your band concert, and it took everything I had not to scream at you from the audience. And no offense to any of the other bands, but they definitely paled in comparison after that. 

And CAN WE PLEASE TALK ABOUT HOMECOMING. Wow wow wow. I remember so clearly the day that we were sitting in math class and the student council people came in with the nomination ballots. I told you told you told you that I was going to nominate you and you were going to win and then you did! It was so awesome getting to vote for you and to see your name finally fixed on the banner. 

And then at the football game it was so scary and also exciting to watch you walk down the field in your beautiful dress holy cow. And then I thought my heart was going to beat right out of my chest I was so nervous for you even though I just knew you were going to win. Then you did and I just screamed and screamed and almost dropped my camera. You just looked so happy and yeah everyone in the stands loved it and loved you but they didn't know you. Not like I do anyway and so I basically won as well because you're my best friend, does that make sense? I've never been so excited to hug you in all my life I was so so proud of you because not only did you win Princess, but also Prince and how many people can say that? Thanks for letting me follow you around all night and hold your beautiful flowers while all of Westlake hugged you. *blows kisses to your adoring fans*

Thanks also for being such good example in every way, but mostly in the way you live the Gospel. I love going to the Temple with you (whether we make it inside or not). I like how you always uplift others and go to Church even when you're in another state and make it easy for me to live the way I should be.

Thank you times a million for being so willing to help me with math homework all the time. I know it's not the most thrilling way to spend your time but I super appreciate it. And just so you know it's not your fault I failed the test. Again. You really are an excellent teacher. It's awesome to have a math tutor who can go from teaching math, to posing with statues to walking around the dress store all in the same day. 

Thank you for being so friendly and introducing me to people who are now some of my nearest and dearest friends. I know that you're a blessing in so many peoples lives. You just have a talent of making everyone feel loved and wanted. All the movies make it seem like in High School you have all this friend drama where everyone betrays you and steals boyfriends and stuff but I've never had to worry about any of that with you. For one thing boyfriends are out of the picture (but not because they want to be) and I know that you're just always there. It's that easy. And that rocks. 

Thanks for taking me to Lagoon, I really liked hanging with you and your family. And thank you for indulging my love of the swings and riding them 8 times in a row with me. Only a real pal does that. Plus you won me a Kindle, and even though I don't have a clue how to use it it's still pretty sweet. 

Thanks for making me laugh nonstop whether you mean to or not ;) You're truly a joy to be around.

I'm so totally honored that I was there when you were asked on your first date and to Prom, by the same guy heh heh... And that I could go to some dances and dates with you. I think you should keep up the blue dress theme btw. You look great in all of them, and you're getting so much better at heels.

Thank you endlessly for looking out for me and sticking by me and being the best friend in the whole wide world. I'm so thankful that your dumb new phone didn't ruin our friendship forever (not that a phone would do that but still) and I'm so glad that I have you, even though we still don't know how. Thank goodness for third grade I guess. If I weren't your friend I would be so blue all the time, wishing I had someone like you in my life. On behalf of me and every other person whose lives you've touched thank you thank you thank you. You're beautiful in every way and I'm so lucky to have you. This is me saying I lov you, sticking my tongue out at you, and layin down a sick birthday rap in your honor.  Have the happiest of birthdays Rumpthumpinrappa.

All my love, 

Gmaster

Let's Get Personal

As the gap between me and being a grown-up has narrowed, I've become fluentish in the language of adults. They love to talk about the few things they know I will have something to say about in this order: college, boys, school and work. They want to know why I'm considering this college, why I want to go into English and do I know how few authors make it in the world? They ask about any "cute boys" or "my love life." This brings about a delightfully awkward conversation about why I didn't go to homecoming and the benefits of not having a steady boyfriend.

Don't get me wrong, I love talking to grown-ups; I do. They know so much more about everything than me and I recognize I can learn a lot from them. But telling them that I only chose the University of Washington because it wasn't in Utah over and over again can get a little boring.

It also forces me to take a good long look at my future, which I am not prepared for. Just today I was thinking about my first day of college, and how my parents are going to leave me there all by myself and expect me to make it. I can't do things by myself yet. I returned something to Target for the first time in my life only a short while ago, and I have panic attacks thinking about going to Ikea alone. These very basic human needs are essentials to check off the list of grown-up qualifications. I'm only 16 years old, this is no time for me to be saving money and learning about mortgages. I should be out partying and doing drugs and general rebelliousness! (Jk about the drugs, say nope to dope)

I mean, my goals for the near future are these:

Be able to fill my phone with such fire music that I won't ever have to say, "Oh wow I don't know how that got on there..." (But while I'm on this topic can we all just chill and admit we have some of those songs? No use trying to ignore it any longer. Let your inner Teen Beach Movie and Miranda Cosgrove shine. No judgment.)

I want to be able to save more of my paycheck than I spend because let's face it. I'm not going to make it very far on the $100 I have saved so far.  

I want to take a flippin good picture of the moon goshdangit. I recently bought a pretty nice camera using said paycheck and now I can't even do what I want on it. So eventually I'm going to learn how to take an amazing and crystal clear picture of the moon that will be so good you can see the each star on the flag way up there. Unlike the blurry dot that was supposed to be the ULTIMATE BLOOD MOON LUNAR ECLIPSE END OF THE WORLD. Ha.

I want to be at a point where I don't have to rely on Urban Dictionary to keep me up to date on todays slang. It's hard being a teenager and not understanding my own kind. FOMO big time. 

These are not long term goals, let me be very clear about that. I have real goals. And they're good ones. 

I want to go to the Temple more often. A few weeks ago I went twice, finishing both times before the sun came up. I went at 4:30 with the Laurels from my ward and it was both a spiritual feast and a literal one (holla at Kneaders) and then two days later I went not to do baptisms but for a testimony meeting. I've been lucky enough to become friends with some super cool seniors who are the best examples. A group of them and whoever else wants to, go to the temple once a month for testimony meeting and this time I went along. We sat on the benches outside the doors of the temple at 6:00 am and anyone who wanted to could bear their testimony. It was so cool to hear the beliefs and truths that kids I go to school with know. Some were even so good that I got home and wrote notes on what I remembered *cough Parker cough* If any of them are reading this THANK YOU. You all rock.

I want to grow up and have the dang cutest family in the world. Sometimes I walk around the baby section at Target and it just makes my heart hurt because I'm looking forward to that so much.

I want to make it through a whole football game without having to ask what just happened to the nearest boy sitting by me. I put this in the long term goal section because football is complicated. And I have been getting a lot better recently it's true, but until I know why they do that thing where everyone lines up and then the kicker kicks it right to the other team on purpose and then that guy that caught it kneels down, I don't consider myself a football expert.

My point is this. There are a lot of things that I don't know right now. I don't even know what I'm going to wear to church for goodness sakes. (Which is a whole different problem in and of itself.) I tend to procrastinate that particular question, instead watching videos on Disneyland's Twitter account and crying because Disney magic is super real. But it's okay because I am not expected to know everything right now.

And neither are you!!!

For now it's perfectly fine not to know where you're going to college, or why. It's okay not to know how to get out of the light section at Ikea. It's okay that you're not sure which people are on our money. Just take a chill pill and focus on right now. Focus on what you do know. I know that I really love my family, and my friends, and the Gospel. I know that it's okay to have bad days because even bad days are one day closer to Christmas.
And if you know those things, what else even matters?

Learning "and stuff"

Well. Here we are. It's practically the first day of school. Again. Funny how it always seems to happen every year isn't it? Honestly I don't like school very much. I love learning and being with my friends, but I hate the rest of it. The crowds, the grades, the homework etc. However, for some reason, my parents still "expect me to go to school" and "do my best" and "have a successful future." It's whatever. Since I'm being forced to go, along with the rest of you, I figured I might as well share my sage words of wisdom that I've acquired in my 12 years of schooling.

1. Go to class. This may seem obvious, but it takes a lot of self-motivation to get myself there. (Staying in class once you get there however is a different story. I can spend 20 minutes going to the bathroom if needed.)
2. BE SO FRICKIN PROUD OF YOUR SCHOOL THAT YOU GET EMOTIONAL THINKING ABOUT LEAVING IT EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE ONLY A SOPHOMORE. Seriously. Go to football games, basketball games, musicals, spirit bowls, anything your school provides you gotta show your face at. And learn the words to the fight song. I mean honestly. It's like singing the star-spangled banner for the President.
3. It's ok to leave for lunch. Treat yo self to that sandwich you've been craving, or even just a frosty. Yes I understand that our options are limited. But at least you're not sitting in the lunchroom every day.
4. Learn to spell the grade you're in. Yes I know how hard sophomore is to spell. If it were up to me it would be 'softmore' but some guy thought it would be hilarious to mess with your brain a little.
5. Remember peoples names and USE THEM. (s/o to Rachael.) Not only does it make people feel important, but it also makes you seem nicer when you ask for a piece of gum.
6. Speaking of gum: GIVE IT FREELY MY FRIENDS. After doing some math, I have come to this conclusion. If a pack of gum is around $1.69 at the gas station, and there are 12 pieces in each pack, that makes one piece of gum 14 cents. So you can be the biggest jerk in school and charge people 14 cents for a piece of gum or you can just suck it up and give it out. Throw it off the balcony. Bless peoples lives.
7. Talk to people. Sometimes the person you least expect can be one of your best friends if you give them a chance. For example. In seminary this year I was put right in the middle of a class full of strangers. I literally had never even seen any of them this year. But I figured that the Gospel is the same no matter who you learn it with and I decided to talk to them. Even though the first boy I sat by offered me a drink from his water bottle (which I politely declined) I soon found out that he was actually way cool. He was a dancer, could play the harmonica and had a really catchy laugh. I discovered that everyone in that class was just a friend waiting to be found. I also met the great love of my life in that class although he's homeschooled so I most likely will never see him again.
8. Don't give a frick frack about boys. (Or girls.) Ladies, you absolutely definitely DO NOT need a boy to make your high school experience complete. They're fun for a minute but after that it's all drama and stress and frankly none of it is worth it. At least not now. If you already have a boy consider yourself lucky. If not don't waste a single thought over it. Besides, being single is fun. Really. It is. Right?
9. Join clubs. Unfortunately I have a job that doesn't leave me any time to join anything. But last year I dragged Rachael along with me to math club and tried valiantly to get others to come with. Now I know you're probably thinking, "But Grace, math club? Could you have chosen anything less exciting?" in response I say, "No. It was pretty bad. But it also wasn't. I mean yes it was math that I was choosing to do voluntarily, but the kids were pretty nice and I got a lot of free food out of it. The point is to just join something. Colleges dig that. Or so I've heard."
10. If you wake up one morning and you can just feel that it's going to be a bad day, it's ok. It's perfectly fine to let yourself wallow in self pity for a while. If worst comes to worst, just text your mom and get the heck outta there. Not doing this has led to me crying in the hallway after school feeling like death and probably looking like it too. It's fine though. That's why you surround yourself with cool friends who don't mind witnessing small breakdowns every once in a while. Related: If you feel like wearing sweat pants to school, just do it. Everyone will just be wishing they had done it too.
11. Pack a lunch from home. This way you don't waste precious time standing in the lunch line getting the same old boring food each day. But if you do get school lunch be so so nice to the lunch ladies. They have the power to do anything they want to your food if you cross them.
12. APPRECIATE THE DAYS YOU WATCH MOVIES IN CLASS. This is a perfect time to nap, do homework, or draw pictures.
13. Bring a notebook dedicated solely to drawing pictures and writing poems. This way you don't fill up your math notebook with doodles and tic tac toe games. It saves everyone the trouble of buying a new book 2 months into school. (Sorry mom.) Besides then you have all these awesome pictures and stuff to look at later.
14. Remember peoples birthdays gosh dangit. I firmly believe that birthdays are the happiest day of the whole year whether they're mine or not. They're a perfect opportunity to embarrass your friends with funny hats and the happy birthday song 4 times at lunch. And you also get to write a rockin card and buy candy for someone else. So. It's a win-win I guess. But really I have a list of every person I know and their birthday+what they like to eat or do or whatever so I'm guaranteed to get a good present for them. ALSO this puts them in debt to you so you get a present on your birthday as well. (If you would like me to be the first person on YOUR birthday list, my birthday is December 21 and I like pink laffy taffy's and life savers. You're welcome.)
15. Go to the dances yo. You can't find a better room full of sweaty teenagers dancing to overplayed music anywhere else. Plus they're just fun. And the corsages are so so pretty and I would wear them all the time if it wasn't frowned upon. Oh- add that to my birthday list please.
16. Sometimes your best friends will go on vacation for several weeks at a time several times in the year and leave you alone. DO NOT PANIC. Just try not to let your other friends see how close you are to a breakdown. Then beg your traitorous friend to bring you a postcard. Anything. You deserve it.
17. Don't sweat it if your school turns ghetto in a major way. Bomb threats and bathroom fires are no big deal. It just means less time in school and that's what everyone wants anyway.
18. Make time to do nothing. Whether this means watching Netflix (I suggest the following: How I Met Your Mother, Glee, Psych, Chuck, Parks and Rec, even Teen Beach Movie if the day has really sucked.) or just laying on your bed, or taking a 30 minute shower. It's ok to put off your homework for one day. It's not the end of the world.

Basically if you look at high school with a very chill attitude you'll be fine. Better than. Just look ahead to graduation and remember that one day you'll wish you were back in high school. Or so I've heard.

The Happiness Revolution

This world is a big scary place. It's full of confused people making the wrong decisions and good people trying to fix everyone else's mistakes. It can be hard to keep your focus on what's important. But there are happy moments too, happening all around us every day, if we can find them. Because music never hurts, here are some happy songs to listen to while reading. Or just while living really.

Never Fully Dressed

Sound of Sunshine

Hey Mama

The Calculation

The Heart of Life

Goodnight Goodbye

Tell the World

All Will Be Well

Everything's Okay

Turnin 

Here are 45 of my best beautiful and happy moments:

1. Girls Camp every year. This year we got to hear from Sister Elaine Dalton who was amazing.

2. The time that me and Rachael threw Bryson a surprise half birthday party/jello fight and everyone was sticky and smiling by the end.

3. The time that I went to a comedy show and they called me up onstage to sing me a song they made up on the spot. Also the day I got my Waffle Love hat.

4. The time that me and Audrey tried face masks and it ended up looking like we were puked on instead. 

 5. The time it was Marens first Christmas and she was adorable and bald and so smiley.

 6/7. The time I pretended to be a scarecrow after church and it was so bright. Please notice the bottle of nail polish tucked in my skirt that I won in Young Women that day.

Then there was also Halloween where I dressed up as a real scarecrow and I had to smile all day because if I didn't I look possessed and murderous.

8. The time I finally got my Young Women medallion and everyone was so nice to me that night and I got a sparkly necklace as a bonus.

9. The time that me and my mom wanted Culvers at 9:30 pm so we got Rachael and her mom and we went. Because YOLO. 

 10. The time that I went fishing (the ONLY time I've been fishing) and I didn't catch a fish but I did catch a frog and they're close enough. I wish me and Anna still wore matching clothes.

11. The time we were coming back from our road trip and this big bear was in a gas station in Denver begging to be hugged. We obviously couldn't deny a face like that, so I hugged it, trying not to think about the diseases surely riddling it's fur. 

12. The time we went to the Lehi Westlake football game and some stranger put a handprint on my face and I wanted to cry I felt so patriotic to my school. We crushed it thanks to my friend Nate who kicked the winning goal. In the middle of the game however we left and went to Macey's for ice cream which was also pretty good.

 13. The time I got a perm in Kindergarten and it looked pretty good as far as perms go.

14. The time I met this really friendly dog, and immediately became best friends with it after assuring myself it did not have rabies. It knew how to shake hands, and what kind of dog with rabies knows that?

15. The time I got my favorite dessert with one of my favorite people and it was so so good. 

16. The time I had to go to the Dentist and get 8 teeth pulled on one day so I could eventually get braces. That hasn't happened yet btw. My mouth was so numb from the 4 shots I got that I couldn't smile and I spent the whole ride home punching myself in the face. It took 3 tooth necklaces to hold all of them, but I DID get $20 from the tooth fairy. (Side note, I recently got my first cavity and cried all the way home.)

17. The time Aubrie gave me a super sick mohawk made of buns and I ate a pinecone because I WAS AND ALWAYS AM SO HUNGRY. Sorry bout it. 

18. The time I "went to the bathroom" during class but really just went in there to take pictures of myself trying to be a dancer. Then I washed my hands three times and used the hand dryer until my hands were actually dry just to waste time. Stay in school kids.

19. The time I went to the Pentatonix concert with Savvy and we sang every word and screamed just to try and lose our voices. That didn't happen but the concert was still cool. Even the old people we were surrounded with knew how to jam.

20. The time that I found this teeny tiny baby kitten all by itself in the park and took care of it for a couple of nights before I had to take it to a pet store. It fit in my hand and could sleep across my chest and I fell in love with it. I did cry when I dropped it off because hello. You try raising a kitten and leaving it forever.

21. The time I went to Lava Hot Springs for Youth Conference and we floated the river over and over again and almost everyone fell in but I didn't. I managed to get 4 ice cream cones in the day and a half we were there and they were delicious and square.

22. The time I thought I was so cute modeling this moss covered rock. I think I put the dirt on my nose there on purpose. I do like the bandaids though, it shows I played outside a lot and that's good stuff. Happy kid stuff. And it was back in the days where for some reason I still rocked the velcro shoes. 

23. The time I was SHOT IN THE ARM. With a firework. But. It knocked my lemonade out of my hand which I was most upset about, but I had a nice welt and a cool gunpowder stain on my shirt which is still there. Along with a scar of a perfect circle which is basically the coolest scar you could possibly get. 

24. The time I danced like a maniac and didn't care at all. That really applies to most of my life, but this is the best picture I had of it. 

25. There was also the time I wasn't dancing like a maniac but I definitely looked like one. I can't even remember what the concept of this dance was, but it must have been spectacular considering they made me wear that weird sheep scarf and sequined leotard. 

26. While I'm thinking about it, there was also the time that I wore hideous amounts of makeup and pink camo which is the worst type. And that's saying something considering it's all awful. The lengths I went to to dance very mediocrely on a stage are astounding. 

 27. The time where it was so windy I couldn't see a thing, but luckily Ashley managed to get a picture of it.

 28. The time(s) I picked weeds and pretended like they were flowers.

 29. The time that I posed in front of a pink window and expected the world to care.

 30. The time me and my cousin singlehandedly (not at all) made this igloo which definitely measures up to eskimo ones.

31. The time me and my sisters tried box water which surprise! Tastes just like regular water!!

32. The time that I saw a red button under a plastic lid and had to push it. LITTLE DID I KNOW THAT IT WOULD START THE END OF THE WORLD. In reality it stopped the escalator and set off this very shrill and very annoying alarm. This is me running from my crime. 

33. The time I was still young enough to ride carousels without people giving me strange looks. I was as happy as that seal with the shell. 

34. The time we heart attacked a very deserving family in our ward and then got caught.

35. The time I taught Seegy how to make an owl face and looked sincerely unimpressed.

36. The time I summed up how I felt about high school in one picture. Once again: sincerely unimpressed.

37. The time I went to church in Idaho and there were big windows in the chapel looking out at these mountains and everything was just so pretty it was hard to pay attention to anything else.

38. The time I picked huckleberries in the middle of the mountains up there ^^ and my hands were stained purple. Also making huckleberry pies with my grandma and putting the rest on ice cream. Holy. So good. 

39. Getting pushed on the tire swing over the creek which is only 6 inches deep but is still makes my heart flutter thinking about flying off into it. 

40. Enjoying huckleberry (are you seeing a theme yet?) ice cream with Maren on the porch of a lodge built in 1906. 

41. The time little birds hatched in a nest in our flowerpot and looked like terrifying balls of fluff with beaks, yet managed to be so precious at the same time.

42. The time I went to Lagoon with Rachael and won a Kindle and went on the swings 5 times in a row just so we could try each color.

43. The time I did fake yoga poses on top of ancient red rocks in southern Utah. 

44. The time I played with a flashlight in the dark and my magician friend made it look like this:

45. The time I went to Carthage Jail and built up my testimony to massive heights and also made me wish I had a bonnet.

Happiness is a choice. It's not always the easiest choice, in fact it rarely is. But if I can take 3 hours to find 45 decent pictures of myself and write the stories that go with them, YOU CAN CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY. There are people who choose find happiness in places we don't, like One Direction or chocolate and that's cool too. You can't help it if people like chocolate (you can pray for them of course) but WHO CARES. LET'S JUST LIVE TOGETHER ON THIS SUPER RAD PLANET AND LOVE IT.