Let's Get Personal

As the gap between me and being a grown-up has narrowed, I've become fluentish in the language of adults. They love to talk about the few things they know I will have something to say about in this order: college, boys, school and work. They want to know why I'm considering this college, why I want to go into English and do I know how few authors make it in the world? They ask about any "cute boys" or "my love life." This brings about a delightfully awkward conversation about why I didn't go to homecoming and the benefits of not having a steady boyfriend.

Don't get me wrong, I love talking to grown-ups; I do. They know so much more about everything than me and I recognize I can learn a lot from them. But telling them that I only chose the University of Washington because it wasn't in Utah over and over again can get a little boring.

It also forces me to take a good long look at my future, which I am not prepared for. Just today I was thinking about my first day of college, and how my parents are going to leave me there all by myself and expect me to make it. I can't do things by myself yet. I returned something to Target for the first time in my life only a short while ago, and I have panic attacks thinking about going to Ikea alone. These very basic human needs are essentials to check off the list of grown-up qualifications. I'm only 16 years old, this is no time for me to be saving money and learning about mortgages. I should be out partying and doing drugs and general rebelliousness! (Jk about the drugs, say nope to dope)

I mean, my goals for the near future are these:

Be able to fill my phone with such fire music that I won't ever have to say, "Oh wow I don't know how that got on there..." (But while I'm on this topic can we all just chill and admit we have some of those songs? No use trying to ignore it any longer. Let your inner Teen Beach Movie and Miranda Cosgrove shine. No judgment.)

I want to be able to save more of my paycheck than I spend because let's face it. I'm not going to make it very far on the $100 I have saved so far.  

I want to take a flippin good picture of the moon goshdangit. I recently bought a pretty nice camera using said paycheck and now I can't even do what I want on it. So eventually I'm going to learn how to take an amazing and crystal clear picture of the moon that will be so good you can see the each star on the flag way up there. Unlike the blurry dot that was supposed to be the ULTIMATE BLOOD MOON LUNAR ECLIPSE END OF THE WORLD. Ha.

I want to be at a point where I don't have to rely on Urban Dictionary to keep me up to date on todays slang. It's hard being a teenager and not understanding my own kind. FOMO big time. 

These are not long term goals, let me be very clear about that. I have real goals. And they're good ones. 

I want to go to the Temple more often. A few weeks ago I went twice, finishing both times before the sun came up. I went at 4:30 with the Laurels from my ward and it was both a spiritual feast and a literal one (holla at Kneaders) and then two days later I went not to do baptisms but for a testimony meeting. I've been lucky enough to become friends with some super cool seniors who are the best examples. A group of them and whoever else wants to, go to the temple once a month for testimony meeting and this time I went along. We sat on the benches outside the doors of the temple at 6:00 am and anyone who wanted to could bear their testimony. It was so cool to hear the beliefs and truths that kids I go to school with know. Some were even so good that I got home and wrote notes on what I remembered *cough Parker cough* If any of them are reading this THANK YOU. You all rock.

I want to grow up and have the dang cutest family in the world. Sometimes I walk around the baby section at Target and it just makes my heart hurt because I'm looking forward to that so much.

I want to make it through a whole football game without having to ask what just happened to the nearest boy sitting by me. I put this in the long term goal section because football is complicated. And I have been getting a lot better recently it's true, but until I know why they do that thing where everyone lines up and then the kicker kicks it right to the other team on purpose and then that guy that caught it kneels down, I don't consider myself a football expert.

My point is this. There are a lot of things that I don't know right now. I don't even know what I'm going to wear to church for goodness sakes. (Which is a whole different problem in and of itself.) I tend to procrastinate that particular question, instead watching videos on Disneyland's Twitter account and crying because Disney magic is super real. But it's okay because I am not expected to know everything right now.

And neither are you!!!

For now it's perfectly fine not to know where you're going to college, or why. It's okay not to know how to get out of the light section at Ikea. It's okay that you're not sure which people are on our money. Just take a chill pill and focus on right now. Focus on what you do know. I know that I really love my family, and my friends, and the Gospel. I know that it's okay to have bad days because even bad days are one day closer to Christmas.
And if you know those things, what else even matters?